Progress & People

Yesterday:
- Woke up at 9:00
- Packed brownie, pepsi, sandwich, and Pirates Booty and went to Borders
- Read Swapping Lives by Jane Green
- Finished Real Property outline
- Started Con Law outline
- Had session with tutor
- Went to gym
- Went to Trader Joe's
- Made dinner and did laundry

In my obsessive compulsive mood, I washed all the bedding and proceeded to iron them. I decided I absolutely could not sleep without smooth, crisply ironed sheets and pillowcases and the fragrant scent of fresh laundry wafting over me. Last summer, I was a complete wreck. For the first time in my life, I had trouble sleeping. Not only that, but I was completely itchy every night in bed. My husband thought I was losing my mind because I swore there were bugs in our bed, crawling all over me. I had to wash the sheets and take showers in the middle of the night. I took Benadryl, Melatonin, and finally, Sonata to help me sleep. Meds would usually knock me out for 12 hours and leave me feeling groggy for the rest of the day, so I stopped. I also exercised infrequently and ate badly. It was a strange summer. If someone had asked me if I were stressed, I would have replied, "kind of," but apparently, my body begged to differ.

This time, I am much more calm, although there is a that mild underlying sense of panic bubbling beneath the zen (ya'll know what I'm talking about!). I am doing whatever it takes to be able to stay calm. I cannot take the insomnia and bugs again. I am avoiding phone calls from patronizing folks wishing to give me their advice and offer their sympathy (i.e. pity) laced with smugness. I am taking control of my life in a way that is eerily reminiscent of what I once read about eating disorders. No, I don't have an eating disorder, but I read somewhere that people who do usually have other problems that seem out of control in their lives so they look to eating as something they can control, etc. etc. The bar exam is my eating disorder, and I am taking control of my physical and mental well being (hence ironing the sheets and shopping) as a way of coping.

Is it weird that I don't want to speak to anyone about the bar exam? From school or work? Especially from school. Not that I knew that many people in school, but they few friends I made there were cool. It's just that it brings back memories of that super competitive, arrogant, and catty atmosphere that I associate with law school and lawyers. I did not like law school. I'm not a confrontational person, and I hate settings that force me to compete with people. It's just supremely uncomfortable for me. I'm probably in the wrong profession then...however, I am opinionated, albeit in a more mild, no-need-to-shove-it-down-people's-throats kind of way. More in a I'll-believe-what-I-want, you-believe-what-you-want kind of way.

It's that weird atmosphere in law school that leads me to decline calls from people I feel bad declining. However, law school brings out the worst -- people secretly revel in your failures. So, in order to not attribute this horrible attitude to those I know by doubting their sincerity when they phone, I've found it best to just ignore them for now. And really, who needs to feel bad (because you will, even if they're sincere) at a time when your self confidence is, at best, precarious?