Performance Test

I managed to spend an entire weekend at a Performance Test workshop. It was always this mysterious thing. Everyone says, "Oh, no one knows they're doing in there," or "Just follow the instructions." Um, yeah.

After attending this seminar, I found that there is definitely a method to the madness. There's a lot of crap, useless info in there. We have to muddle through, spot the issues, and focus on analysis.

Considering that they double the points on this and that no one knows what they're doing, this could be a great cushion for the essays and MBEs.

Seriously.

Time to hit the books. One very short month left to go. As the month of January draws to an end, I look back and realize that my month has been spent drinking wine, going to birthday parties, madly writing off essays for my tutors for the sake of completing them rather than retaining them, working on outlines that I am not even halfway through, and getting myself into various emotional crises. So really, about 25% of my focus has been on the bar.

I think I'm having a breakdown.

Day to day, I'm calm, but I have been doing some really f&*#ed up things. I can't even go into it (such is the horror) but it needs to end. Is it because of the stress of the bar and the need to redirect my stress elsewhere? Is it because of the major life changes that I've been through this past year? Without a doubt, 2006 has been the single most dramatic and eventful year of my life. I have not handled it well. Through all my completely self-imposed drama, I remember a quote I once heard, "Don't throw away the best part of your life just because you're a little unsure of who you are." It may not mean too much to you, but it has meaning for me.

I have to put all this crap behind me and attain some kind of zen-like, single-minded focus. Bar exam passage is my nirvana. Not to mention keep my hands and feet to myself.

Went to the State Bar of California...

To pick up my exam from them. Looking at theose brightly colored, individual folders full of my sweat and tears of last summer, I admit I felt a tug of sorrow -- and nausea. This, I thought, was not good enough. Gave me some motivation to go home with the intent to study. Watched some Girls Next Door instead. (They always do such fun things!!) And am working on a Con Law outline. I also ran into another sad examinee. We engaged in some idle chatter, and she told me that she just came from a hypnotherapist to help her pass the bar. WOW. I guess when they say do whatever it takes to pass, they really mean everything. And I thought my retail therapy was bad.

I also had an early morning session with my tutor. I feel like I get slammed every time we speak, which is twice a week. I turn in about 8 essays for her. Granted, I'm usually kinda not focusing when I write them, but geez. It seems that I don't break in down into headings enough and I also don't analyze enough. I'm conclusory. Apparently, breaking it down into headings is key to getting the readers to not miss your brilliant analysis.

I also had cheap Trader Joe red last night and managed to get kind of drunk, all by myself. Go, me!

Progress & People

Yesterday:
- Woke up at 9:00
- Packed brownie, pepsi, sandwich, and Pirates Booty and went to Borders
- Read Swapping Lives by Jane Green
- Finished Real Property outline
- Started Con Law outline
- Had session with tutor
- Went to gym
- Went to Trader Joe's
- Made dinner and did laundry

In my obsessive compulsive mood, I washed all the bedding and proceeded to iron them. I decided I absolutely could not sleep without smooth, crisply ironed sheets and pillowcases and the fragrant scent of fresh laundry wafting over me. Last summer, I was a complete wreck. For the first time in my life, I had trouble sleeping. Not only that, but I was completely itchy every night in bed. My husband thought I was losing my mind because I swore there were bugs in our bed, crawling all over me. I had to wash the sheets and take showers in the middle of the night. I took Benadryl, Melatonin, and finally, Sonata to help me sleep. Meds would usually knock me out for 12 hours and leave me feeling groggy for the rest of the day, so I stopped. I also exercised infrequently and ate badly. It was a strange summer. If someone had asked me if I were stressed, I would have replied, "kind of," but apparently, my body begged to differ.

This time, I am much more calm, although there is a that mild underlying sense of panic bubbling beneath the zen (ya'll know what I'm talking about!). I am doing whatever it takes to be able to stay calm. I cannot take the insomnia and bugs again. I am avoiding phone calls from patronizing folks wishing to give me their advice and offer their sympathy (i.e. pity) laced with smugness. I am taking control of my life in a way that is eerily reminiscent of what I once read about eating disorders. No, I don't have an eating disorder, but I read somewhere that people who do usually have other problems that seem out of control in their lives so they look to eating as something they can control, etc. etc. The bar exam is my eating disorder, and I am taking control of my physical and mental well being (hence ironing the sheets and shopping) as a way of coping.

Is it weird that I don't want to speak to anyone about the bar exam? From school or work? Especially from school. Not that I knew that many people in school, but they few friends I made there were cool. It's just that it brings back memories of that super competitive, arrogant, and catty atmosphere that I associate with law school and lawyers. I did not like law school. I'm not a confrontational person, and I hate settings that force me to compete with people. It's just supremely uncomfortable for me. I'm probably in the wrong profession then...however, I am opinionated, albeit in a more mild, no-need-to-shove-it-down-people's-throats kind of way. More in a I'll-believe-what-I-want, you-believe-what-you-want kind of way.

It's that weird atmosphere in law school that leads me to decline calls from people I feel bad declining. However, law school brings out the worst -- people secretly revel in your failures. So, in order to not attribute this horrible attitude to those I know by doubting their sincerity when they phone, I've found it best to just ignore them for now. And really, who needs to feel bad (because you will, even if they're sincere) at a time when your self confidence is, at best, precarious?

A Series of Returns & Exchanges

All bar-related, of course. My husband thinks I do it to confuse him into thinking I'm not actually spending money when I really am. I think I do it to confuse myself so that I don't feel guilty. After completing (not just issue spotting, but really writing the full essays!) three whole essays to submit to my tutor, I went to my doctor's appointment. Next door was the mall, so I thought I should return some things while I was in the neighborhood. Came away with two Free People sweatshirts (for studying), cropped Citizens of Humanity jeans (for studying), a pair of shoes (camel colored flats), Kiehl's lip balm (it's very dry, and I can't study with chapped lips) and a new book bag (obviously for studying!). And then I got a mani/pedi.

So now I'm set. Except I'm eyeing these oatmeal colored Puma speed cats. You see, I'm all about the comfort wear these days. Even the aforementioned jeans are a size bigger than normal so that I can be comfy. Normally, I do not find jeans to be comfortable. And it's also a pain because they always come super long so you have to get them hemmed. And then you hem them to heels, and can never wear them with flats because they're too long. Thus, I got a cropped pair so I can wear them with both. One less worry while I prepare, right?

I am now trying to finish up my Real Property outline. While I am not happy with my progress or memory retention, at least I've done more than yesterday.

Today was....Unproductive

Ugh. Read at Borders for about 3 hours...but not bar-related. Then worked on Property outline for about 2 hours. Came home, ate sushi and proceeding to watch mind-numbing tv for HOURS. American Idol (which I don't particularly enjoy, but the premiere was just such a train wreck, I couldn't stop) followed by Dr. 90210 and the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County.

What am I doing?!

Staying Healthy

It's important to stay healthy while studying. I'm sure many people had New Year's resolutions along the lines of "go to gym" and "stop eating crap food." It's especially difficult to do when you can barely get out of your pajamas, let alone do the dishes. So in the spirit of staying healthy, some snacks and easy to fix foods I like that are also good for you:

- Fresh lemonade and pomegranate juice (you have to make it, but lemons and pom are high in antioxidants and really good for you, especially if you nix the sugar and make it with Splenda)
- Pom juice mixed with sparkling water (quicker than the above)
- Spinach! Mix with garlic and olive oil over stove.
- Smart Puffs/Pirates Booty (relatively healthy and yummy chips)
- Seedless red grapes
- Hummus from Trader Joe's with mini whole wheat pitas
- Whole wheat King's Hawaiian bread with English Coastal cheddar from Trader Joe's
- Quick noodles: Instead of ramen (bad, bad, bad), you can boil low fat chicken broth, throw some chicken in it, whole wheat noodles, and some frozen or fresh veggies with pepper and garlic). Quick and easy, but very tasty.
- Chocolate chip Atkins bars
- Trail Mix

It's also important to keep your body in shape for all the sitting you're gonna be doing during the 3 days of the exam. Not to mention to dispel some of the inevitable depression and lack of energy that comes from the mind numbing studying day after day. I recommend:
- Yoga. It really gets the blood pumping and the breathing exercises calms you. You feel your muscles are sore the day after.
- Pilates. One of my faves. Feels a little more strengthening/toning than yoga
- Using the elliptical machine for 2 miles while listening to PMBR cds on ipod. Feels like you're studying!
- Kickboxing. Pretend you're hitting the CA State Bar.
- Shopping. Unlike therapy, you get something tangible out of it plus you feel better. And walking around the mall is quite a workout. It's also nice and climate controlled in the mall.

Bar Exam Beauty Ritual

Since I am still getting up at a horrific 10:00, I usually make it over to Border's at 11:00. I figured, since Border's opens at 10:00, it won't be TOO crowded by 11:00 and I can still get a good seat! And since I invested in this nifty new long term battery for my laptop, I don't even need to fight for the coveted seats next to the outlet! Yet, everyday, it seems that I barely get a seat. "Wow," I think, "These people must be lined up at the door at 10:00." After sharing a table with an older gentleman who kept asking me what I was studying, if I was married, etc. I happened to glance over and notice the hours of operation listed on the door. Border's opens at 9:00. WTF?! No wonder I can barely get a seat! I have to get here earlier!! Which leads me to the question...how can I speed up my morning getting-ready routine? Having worked these last months as an "associate," I used to wear suits, put on makeup, and use hair products every morning. I accessorized my bags, shoes, and jewelry meticulously. Granted, I enjoy my sleep so this took 30 minutes, tops, but it was still a concerted effort. In recent weeks, I've obviously downgraded this routine and cut this time in half. In chronological order:

1. Brush teeth with Sonicare toothbrush. Read fun romance novel while doing it because it takes 2 full minutes.
2. Haphazardly wash face with cleanser, focusing on T-zone because my cheeks are dry.
3. Apply moisturizer with SPF. Sometimes apply antioxidant serum.
4. Touch up eyebrows. This is a priority because they're very light and need to be darkened so I don't look weird.
5. Apply some Bare Escentuals mineral powder.
6. Put on some lip gloss and blush.
7. Shove hair into a ponytail.
8. Get dressed into sweats/yoga pants/sweatshirt/hoodie and go.

It takes about 15 minutes, give or take a few. I feel that I have pared down the getting-ready routine to a reasonable amount of time. Even if I cut it by 5 minutes or so, I think I need those 15 minutes of prep time to wake up, otherwise, I'm just stumbling into my car half asleep, thereby increasing my chances of getting into an accident and committing a tort.

What's your getting-ready routine like? What are the essentials? My fingernails are unpainted, I've barely shaved, and my hair gets washed every other day. The only item of jewelry I wear is my wedding ring, and all my high heels have dust on them. I hate socks, so all I wear are my Uggs. I rarely blow dry my hair. What else can I cut out of my routine? There's a fine line between wasting time on getting ready in the morning and performing some semblance of a ritual to look decent and feel better about yourself (Let's face it, we really need the confidence boost these days). Then again, why obsess over 15 minutes in a day when I waste hours reading novels at Borders?

There's Nothing to Eat at Borders

After a brief foray into an odd, seemingly eclectic (but actually dirty) cafe for studying yesterday, I went back to the old standby -- Borders. Surrounded by other similarly situated miserable bar exam studiers, I felt far more comfortable with my stack of magazines - I mean, bar books -- stacked up beside me. The only problem is that there's nothing to eat at Border's. Only super sweet fattening cakes and equally sugar filled coffee drinks. With all the abundance of sugar, you'd think they'd sell some soda. But no. So I end up eating something completely unhealthy and overprocessed, or I have to sneak food in. Either way, it kinda sucks.

The studying today:
- Working on Evidence outline. I went to Staples and got a bunch of colorful supplies to organize myself and procrastinate. Now, I have a neatly printed table of contents and colorful dividers in a brightly decorated folder for all the outlines I plan to do. I figure if it's cheerful to look at, I won't feel like throwing up all over it.
- Met with tutor, got my Evidence essay ripped to shreds. Clearly must kick up the outlining so I know the rules. Why, oh why, can I NOT understand hearsay?
- Went to Macy's next door and bought a C&C hoodie -- on sale! I need cute, comfortable clothes to study in, right?
- Went home for must-see tv -- my fave shows are all on tonight! Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy, and The OC.

Now, I must work on the outline more. And then go to sleep fairly early so I can wake up at a decent hour instead of at 10:30.

Evidence: Offer to Pay Medical Bills/Settlements

Easy way to remember the subtle nuances of this rule. Evidence relating to the payment of settlements or of medical bills are never allowed. It’s only admissions in conjunction with these payments you have to worry about. Think of this picture to remember the rule: Imagine an Indian settlement of some sort. Then, picture a big, red plastic “X” laid over the settlement – it’s so big the Indians are tripping over it. This should remind you that admissions in conjunction with settlements are NOT admissible, and admissions with medical bills ARE.

Note: This isn’t my idea – I got it from one of my bar books. See, they can be fun, too! j/k. I know this isn’t fun, but I have to derive pleasure from whatever pitiful sources I can find.

So far, so NOT good

I tried a different Border's today. It's a deep cave-like Borders buried deep inside a mall. After spending a couple of hours at Nordie's, I read US Weekly at Border's. Absolutely COULD NOT concentrate today. I did manage to touch upon my subject of the day -- Evidence. I went through hearsay exceptions and made a nice little mnemonic of it on Word. After a riveting hour of Bev Hills 90210, I must now rush to a birthday dinner.

Again, NOT a productive day.

New Year, Fresh Start

I have to take the bar exam again. And so, I find myself at Borders attempting to cram the law into my head yet again. My tutor says if we didn't start our 8-10 hours of studying per day back in December, it's too late. Hardly motivating.

I missed the first time by something like 10 points. Having gone into the third review, where someone makes a subjective determination based on my entire exam, is a mixed blessing. On one hand, I feel that since I came so close, this is attainable (but then contributes to my unmotivated state of studying). On the other hand, I'm in disbelief that some cruel bar examiner had the power to pass me, but out of spite/bad day/statistics/innate meaness decided that I should take this again. The loss of income, cost of tutoring, test, etc. goes into the tens of thousands. I mean...WOW. Thanks, buddy. That's a lot of money.

But I am not bitter. Cest la vie. I am cautiously optimistic, though what they say about second time test fear is true -- I can get away with failing once, but TWICE?! That will plummet me down so low in self-confidence that I may never pass this test. I must defeat my enemy (myself and my laziness) and perservere. I will attempt to get up earlier and study more efficiently. I'm planning on using this blog to document my journey along the way. This way, I can see how I've done.

The plan for today: At Border's. Reading through Strategies and Tips for the MBE. Concentrating on Contracts and doing flashcards for them. Going to pilates later in the afternoon, to be followed by a quick trip to the grocery store so I can make hubby and me chicken and biscuits for dinner (yes, I need comfort food). To be followed by writing an essay which I will then email to my tutor. In bed by midnight, up by 9:00. Yes, I realize that's a lot of sleep, but considering that I can easily sleep until 10:30, this is an achievement. I do not plan to let this pattern continue.

Hopefully, I can establish a healthy and study conducive routine. Routine and organization make me feel better, and since I lost 5 lbs due to the flu, I plan on continue the exercise and be mentally and physically fit for the exam come late February. Even if this test brings me down, I'm going down looking good.