However, based on my daily checks on the Calbar website, it appears that I did indeed pass. And it's the best feeling in the world. I'll be driving in traffic, or wake up in the morning not wanting to go to work, and then I'll remember that I passed this exam, and it'll bring a smile to my face. The first few nights, I didn't want to go to sleep for fear that this was all a dream! And oddly, that first night last Friday, after seeing my name, my stomach completely cramped up for hours. Maybe my body was just releasing all the stress and anxiety of the past year and a half. And now, I feel like I've entered a new chapter in my life. Although I love my current job and it's in the legal industry, I'm not practicing in the traditional sense. I do have the opportunity to do in-house work though, which is great because a lot of attorneys covet in-house positions for their varied work and easier lifestyle. For me, this bar exam was about seeing the process through. If I don't practice, it's because I didn't want to, and not because they wouldn't let me!! And most importantly, it was for my family, who wanted this so badly. My grandma and mother cried when they heard the news - the only other time I have ever seen them cry was when my grandfather passed away. Honestly, in that moment, it was worth it. All of the pain and struggle were completely worth it.
I say this to encourage everyone who did not pass because I know exactly how it feels to be a repeater. I know all of the inspirational quotes out there about there being different paths, God opening a window, never give up, blah blah blah. I'm not trying to say they are trite and cliche (although some of them are!) but only that this experience really tests your sense of self. You begin to question how smart you are, if you'll ever pass the exam, and how much more money you should put into it. If you give up now, will you always wonder if you could have beaten this thing? I wondered that a lot. I could tell myself I didn't care, I was going to move on with my life, but I hated the idea of walking away from it without beating it. I'd rather not have gone to law school in the first place! You also begin to dread the questions that well-meaning friends and family will ask about the exam. I got very tired of acknowledging "good luck" and "I know you'll pass!" wishes. I was also embarrassed when results came out and I had to tell people I did not pass. The shock, sympathy, and then their embarrassed responses were, at times, humiliating.
But you know what? It's the failure that makes us savor the success even more now. And it teaches a lesson in humility, empathy, and strength that you otherwise would not have had. And in the end, it's worth it. But it's only worth it if you eventually pass. Otherwise, it becomes a bitter memory of a dark time and a permanent mark on your self esteem. I encourage those taking the exam again to never give up and to see this through.
I have come within points of passing every time I took this exam. My problems with passing were mostly personal. But during that time, I became intimately involved with all the bar programs/books out there. I've heard of them all, researched them all, and at some point, used most of them. In my next post, I'll list them and post my experience using them. Others should benefit from the thousands and thousands of dollars I've poured into this process!
