Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Week After...

This week has gone by in a flurry of activity and disbelief.  As I have yet to receive my official "letter" from the state bar, I keep having paranoid thoughts that maybe, there's been a mistake.  So I called yesterday just to make sure.  They said that I passed.  They said the letter was sent to my old address, which should eventually be forwarded to me at my new address.  But the bar has screwed me over enough times that my paranoia is not completely misplaced!  So, this Memorial Day weekend, I shall continue checking the mail...

However, based on my daily checks on the Calbar website, it appears that I did indeed pass. And it's the best feeling in the world.  I'll be driving in traffic, or wake up in the morning not wanting to go to work, and then I'll remember that I passed this exam, and it'll bring a smile to my face.  The first few nights, I didn't want to go to sleep for fear that this was all a dream!  And oddly, that first night last Friday, after seeing my name, my stomach completely cramped up for hours.  Maybe my body was just releasing all the stress and anxiety of the past year and a half.  And now, I feel like I've entered a new chapter in my life.  Although I love my current job and it's in the legal industry, I'm not practicing in the traditional sense.  I do have the opportunity to do in-house work though, which is great because a lot of attorneys covet in-house positions for their varied work and easier lifestyle.   For me, this bar exam was about seeing the process through.  If I don't practice, it's because I didn't want to, and not because they wouldn't let me!!  And most importantly, it was for my family, who wanted this so badly.  My grandma and mother cried when they heard the news - the only other time I have ever seen them cry was when my grandfather passed away.  Honestly, in that moment, it was worth it.  All of the pain and struggle were completely worth it.

I say this to encourage everyone who did not pass because I know exactly how it feels to be a repeater.  I know all of the inspirational quotes out there about there being different paths, God opening a window, never give up, blah blah blah.  I'm not trying to say they are trite and cliche (although some of them are!) but only that this experience really tests your sense of self.  You begin to question how smart you are, if you'll ever pass the exam, and how much more  money you should put into it.  If you give up now, will you always wonder if you could have beaten this thing?  I wondered that a lot.  I could tell myself I didn't care, I was going to move on with my life, but I hated the idea of walking away from it without beating it.  I'd rather not have gone to law school in the first place!  You also begin to dread the questions that well-meaning friends and family will ask about the exam.  I got very tired of acknowledging "good luck" and "I know you'll pass!" wishes.  I was also embarrassed when results came out and I had to tell people I did not pass.  The shock, sympathy, and then their embarrassed responses were, at times, humiliating.  

But you know what?  It's the failure that makes us savor the success even more now.  And it teaches a lesson in humility, empathy, and strength that you otherwise would not have had.  And in the end, it's worth it.  But it's only worth it if you eventually pass.  Otherwise, it becomes a bitter memory of a dark time and a permanent mark on your self esteem.  I encourage those taking the exam again to never give up and to see this through.  

I have come within points of passing every time I took this exam.  My problems with passing were mostly personal.  But during that time, I became intimately involved with all the bar programs/books out there.  I've heard of them all, researched them all, and at some point, used most of them.  In my next post, I'll list them and post my experience using them.  Others should benefit from the thousands and thousands of dollars I've poured into this process!    

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I still cannot believe it...

I had neglected to update this blog in recent months for many reasons -- moving, new job, life changes (am now single), financial woes, and a general sense of despair that is often associated with the bar exam.  I continued to keep up to date on my fave bloggers out there though, and their words often gave me hope and made me smile.

Life has been going very well these last months, after the $%#!$ of 2007, and I suppose a part of me just wanted to get on with my life, with or without passing the CA bar exam.  For me, truly, this journey has been incredibly introspective as well as strengthening.  I had some major personal issues going on last year, and a life that was ignorantly, seemingly perfect kind of fell apart.  

For the first time, I faced my life, myself, and the decisions that had brought me to this point.  And I didn't like what I saw.  I saw a woman who had let life happen and had made decisions largely based on image and what I thought was expected of me rather than what I truly wanted.  I didn't face my shortcomings and blindly (and probably rather smugly) thought life generally went my way.  In the midst of all this inner conflict, the bar exam loomed, an ever-present source of stress and tension.  It weighed on me like nothing else -- even if something good happened, I couldn't really enjoy it, because it was always there; lurking like constant bad news.  I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time that I was really, completely, absolutely happy.  Which would surprise those who know me, because I'm seen as a generally optimistic, cheerful, and even perky person by almost everyone who meets me.  

To some extent, life is like that.  There are things that are truly out of our control and in the hands of fate and whim.  But mostly, life is what you made it.  And with that resolve, I set about to make changes for myself that were within my control.  After the exam, the bar result were not.  So I let it go.  I got myself a new apt, a great job, a fantastic gym membership, and just forged ahead.  I pulled it together in my personal life.  And when I least expected it, I passed the bar.

And now, I can't believe it.  I don't even know what it feels like to be completely happy anymore so now that, really, I am, the feeling is unfamiliar and awkward.  Life is amazingly versatile, complex, and rich.  And the journey is often fraught with unexpected twists and incredible difficulties.  But once you reach your destination (or at least one of the stopping points along the way!), you look at the road behind you and the satisfaction is all the more sweet because of it.  

The Name Above Appears On the Pass List for the February 2008 California Bar Examination!!!

I never thought I'd see those words.

And in complete honest truth, I didn't even check the results until curiosity overwhelmed me because I was so certain I was doomed to be a repeater. It's not that I gave up...I was just prepared.

And now...I simply cannot believe it and I'm so grateful, happy, and relieved. And it just goes to solidify my belief that this exam, really, is a complete crapshoot.